My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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