Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
