I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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