I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
