i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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