I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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