Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
