My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
