A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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