Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
