Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
