masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
