this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
