worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He passed out mid-signature
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
