mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She told me I should be a condom model.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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