pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
