I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
