sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
