we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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