Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
