You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
