for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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