you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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