I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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