turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
