Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
