Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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