So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize