im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
