In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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