I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
