You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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