If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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