i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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