im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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