i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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