We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
