so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We left the knife in your bed.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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