Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
