My liver just broke up with me...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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