a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
did i walk over a car last night?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize