Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
