I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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