dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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