oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
