i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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