They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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