i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
