I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
