So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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