highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
