the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
