good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
