You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
