dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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