Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
