god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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