i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
