i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
