someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
