oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just blew my weed a kiss
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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