I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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