new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
