I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
