How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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