ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
