I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I have feelings that need drinking.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
